my Mami arms

Yesterday, as I was showering my toddler using my right hand and holding baby on my left arm, I thought, it’s only right to dedicate a post to my Mami arms. I know it sounds kind of funny, but it wasn’t until I became a mom that I realized the endless things you can do with a baby on one arm, leaving the right to tackle business. I know parents can relate.

There have been so many awkward, one-handed parenting moments where I can’t help but laugh and think to myself, I need to blog about this. You know the life, before baby, where using the bathroom was an intimate, private time? How can that ever become a thing of the past? A memory? Well, yes, it does! Perhaps for those non-parents this sounds a little too barbaric, but let’s be honest, parenting is rough. It all comes down to the daily attempt at survival, or at least that’s how it feels.

Here are some of the things I’ve mastered while carrying a baby, mainly using one hand:

cooking, setting a table, brushing my teeth, bathing my toddler, eating, drinking, making coffee, loading the dishwasher, washing bottles, preparing a bottle, typing (which prompts me to question why I learned how to type when I have had to exercise patience at the pressing of single keys at a time when composing a message), sorting laundry, cleaning up, organizing, lesson planning, lesson prepping, pushing a stroller, and I am sure with time the list will go on…

So here is to you, mommas and poppas out there, getting things done, using only one hand and making simple tasks feel like major accomplishments. We got this!

in my feelings

A year ago, I found out I was pregnant with my second child and although the decision to grow my family had been a conscious one, the whirlwind that quickly followed was not.

How can I describe this past year without being consumed by the exhaustion that is my every day life. After Luna was born, although my life seemed to be moving fast on the day-to-day, the demise of my marriage seemed to be on a standstill characterized by painful emotions playing over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of reconciliation has never been an option. It’s the idea of being a single mom that I am still accepting. Never in a million years did I imagine myself as a single mother, let alone the combination of a single mom and entrepreneur. It’s like the cards lined up to test my resilience, my character, and although there has been much blood, sweat and tears in both areas, I do not falter.

I feel like I have not slept in ages... recently, the combination of a teething infant, adapting to a pre-k schedule, strategizing about my business and figuring out the co-parenting thing has been consuming me. I was asking myself when are things going to let up and that’s when the universe shines it’s light on me.

I received a few heartfelt messages these past couple of days... messages of sincere empathy, thoughtful notes or texts checking in on me. The idea that someone is holding me close to their heart, that other women are thinking of me and relating to my story, my experience... it’s what keeps me going. Knowing that even though night feedings with a newborn feels lonely at the time, I am not alone. I have a group of powerful people in my corner rooting for me and my girls.

Luna’s birth brought with it an insurmountable love that only a mother can experience but with it came loneliness, exhaustion, frustration and pain. Nothing prepares you for the first few months, even if you are at it a second time around. To say my village came through, to say my support system showed up, is an understatement. Although I wanted to focus on the positive, you combine mastitis, post-partum emotions, frustration when trying to get to know this new baby and not having your partner alongside you to help parent and it’s a recipe for disaster.

I think that while I was pregnant, I accepted that my marriage was over but after giving birth, I realized that I was betrayed, I was hurt, I was left to pick up the pieces alone. Being pregnant allowed me to deal with reality, with logistics. I couldn’t just drown myself and escape because I was carrying a child and, of course, there was Sofia to look after. Birthing my baby allowed emotional pain to fill the space she inhabited. During the first month, I was living in a haze of sadness feeling guilty that I wasn’t as happy as I thought I should be and endlessly trying to figure out how to be more patient with Sofia and her transition of becoming a sister.

It wasn’t until I decided that I would not beat myself up, that I felt better. I decided to focus on what I thought was best for me to get my head on right and, in turn, parent the best way I could. Accepting that in order to do my best, I needed to be at my best took a little bit of time, but when I finally started making decisions on what would make me feel better, on what would make me less tired, I was able to function, to think clearly and that alone was enough to boost me up and keep me moving forward.

Here I am now, four months later... still getting the hang of being a single mom of two. Allowing myself to make mistakes and trying not to be so hard on myself. I am driven by the idea that I want my girls to understand that the female experience should not be characterized by competition but that we, women, should share our painful stories with one another and realize we are not alone. In sharing our feelings with each other, we come to find comfort and strength. It is in sharing my own experience that I have been able to overcome.

I share with you all a few maternity pictures. A big shout out to my cousin who, on a melancholic day during my pregnancy, was able to uplift me and bring forth my “super mama” vibes. Thank you for allowing me to see myself through your eyes. I hope you enjoy these as much as I did.

hello 2018

In the last few days, my social media feed has been inundated with a great number of motivational statements to kick off the new year. Usually these are something I might enjoy reading but, this year, that does not ring true. Don't get me wrong, as my holiday pictures will show you, there was fun to be had when you spend the holidays with the right folks...

There was one post that did catch my attention though and I started thinking about it and how to apply it to this coming year. If I could choose one word to live by, to inspire me, this 2018, what would it be? I think for me it would have to be "positivity" which is one that can sometimes deem hard to sustain.

As the new year approached, I found myself really thinking about all that's transpired in my personal life within the last month and a half. I have thought about my sentiments, my overall demeanor and my drive to keep moving forward. I can attribute my resilience to my daughter, to her inquisitive nature and sentimental heart. I can connect my fearlessness to the women that have supported me day in and day out.  So why did I find myself filling my mind with negativity  in the remaining days of last year and for a couple of days after? Instead of immersing myself in the positive changes of what's to come, I started thinking about things that are not within my control.

This is where I turn it around. I am choosing to see the positive that's coming even in the most uncertain of times because one thing that is certain is that I am leading my own story. I always have but it's so easy to get lost in the repercussions of others' actions. Instead of focusing on loss, which I felt a lot of in 2017, I am embracing 2018 with a positive outlook with the belief that things will work out in the best way possible. I am looking forward to a new home, to a new baby daughter and to continue feeding my entrepreneur spirit, loving myself abundantly along the way.

good bye marriage. hello single mom!

Life has a way of surprising you, showing you things can change from one moment to the other without a clear indication of what's supposed to come next. You know that terrible feeling of being pushed on your bottom and catching yourself sitting there wondering how you fell? What happened? That's me... except I don't have a choice but to get up, dust off, and put one foot in front of the other. To learn how to look beyond what's going on right now.

This is what it's like when your marriage ends and you are 10 weeks pregnant with a three year old daughter and at the onset of launching a new business. In the past month or so, I have come to realize how resilient we women are, how unconditional family and friends are and how much clarity comes from whirlwind and chaos. To be honest, I didn't have that smooth sailing kind of love with my significant other, but then again who does? I do know now that the gnawing feelings in my gut, of things not feeling right, they were spot on except that I did not feel drawn to speculate and navigate and instead had faith that things would unravel and provide me an obvious solution. You hear people saying marriage is hard, that it's work and that's a truth I  always used to justify our bumps on the road, but I also struggled because it just always felt like mine was that much more work and now I know why.

I realize now that not everyone is capable of being authentic and true. I didn't realize the struggle that some face with this when it comes so natural to me. It makes perfect sense to understand now, in retrospect, how this idea can shape and affect decisions on a daily basis. To be comfortable in one's skin, to stand true to your word, to be a dignified individual with morals where integrity is held in high esteem is not something that everyone is capable of. I realize that now. I understand now that for the last 12 years, I was seeing the glass half full, and this simple idea shaped my general view of the relationship in its entirety. Now I am able to clearly see that the person I was with, the person I married, was not who I thought; perhaps someone I just did not want to see. I was simply holding on to the idea of who he wanted to be but never who he really was.

So what do you do when your spouse, the father of your children, causes you intentional hurt and selfishly disintegrates your family? When the person you are intimate with, that you planned a second baby with, tells you he is fathering another child? You tackle life! Every single part of me feels that things happen for a reason and although unknown to me right now, I know there is light. I feel the strength of my very strong-willed grandmother raising me every day, turning my chin up, having me look straight ahead and helping me focus on myself, my girls and my business. I am not going to sit here and say that the first few days post-shock were not characterized by mixed emotions of sadness, anger and disillusionment but I do admit it was all like living in a surreal existence. Sofia keeps me going and there is no other way to put it. She gives me a different perspective on life. I want her to see happiness at home, to understand hard work and resilience, I want her to embody strength and be able to take on all life throws at you. It was sad to have "the conversation" with her about Mami and Papi not living in the same house anymore, it broke my heart to hear her crying for her Papi and wanting to sleep with both of us. Having her ask me if I am happy a few times a day doesn't break me though, each stride, each step towards tomorrow makes me more confident that this is where we are supposed to be.

I can only assume my role of single mom now taking refuge in the fact that it takes a village, a community to raise a child and my community has always done just that. Some might ask themselves why I choose to be so candid about my personal business and to them I say this, speaking about this process gives me the strength and motivation that I need to keep things moving. It also allows me the opportunity to nurture relationships that speak to the female experience, to find other women that have gone through something similar or worse which makes me feel like I am not alone and can overcome.

dear mommy-to-be...

I am going through pregnancy blues, did I mention, baby #2 is on the way?! These days I am stuck in a thick daze of all-day sickness (because it should NOT be called "morning sickness"), headaches and very low energy while dealing with a non-stop threenager (that's exactly what she is). In thinking about this new chapter I am about to embark on, I was transported, to what seems like forever ago, to when my little Lola was just a wee little thing. I know we make incessant claims to how fast time can pass but having a baby just puts a clear stamp on this.. It zooms by very VERY fast!  I was thinking about what I have learned in these past three years and what advice I can share with a future or soon-to-be mommy and here are some VIT (very important things, haha) to keep in mind:

Be flexible w ur own rules - Yes, I know you will never use a pacifier. Breastfeeding will undoubtedly be the best and most stress-free experience of your life with baby. Of course tablets and tv shouldn't exist for your child. I understand that a part of getting ready for parenthood is reading up on the many, many things you will be embarking on and the do's and dont's of what will help you have the most perfect parenting experience (and let's not forget the much solicited info on what will supposedly cause some lasting negative impact on your baby). I cannot say this enough, be flexible with your own rules. Becoming a parent is by far one of the most trying, exhausting, stressful and gratifying experiences but, you will drive yourself nuts (especially at the beginning) if you aren't forgiving of those big "Not's" you find yourself struggling not to do.

Sleep when they sleep - You remember how you have this crazy schedule that doesn't allow for your apartment to be as tidy as you want it to be? Well, watch out, it's about to get crazier. Fight that urge (if you still have the energy) and sleep when that baby sleeps because you don't know when you will have the opportunity for some shut eye. I know it sounds super cliche, but newborns are very unpredictable (well, maybe kids in general) so take advantage of the few minutes or, if you are lucky, hours and get some rest. You'll really need to function now that you are taking care of another human being.

Set a visiting schedule - I remember way back when, the onslaught of visitors we had, some great help, others inopportune. Don't get me wrong, we were super appreciative of the love but when you are getting used to the whirlwind your life has just become and you want to sleep when the baby sleeps, visits are not top of mind. There is nothing wrong with setting a schedule. Personally, I know a lot of people that are quite clueless about having a child and would greatly appreciate having a designated day/time to help ease the stress of a newborn.

Don't be super mom (or dad) - As much as you want to nurture and care for your child in the most perfect way (that only you know how to provide), you will come crashing down because sleep deprivation can totally take a number on you. Accept the help! Allow your partner to take on an equal role and change diapers, feed and burp. I know soon you will be alone during your leave while they are off to work but remember that just like they have to function to perform their role, so do you. Come to terms with the fact that each of you will have your own way of doing certain things and let it go. Fast forward to two or three years down the road, when you have a screaming toddler because only Mami can bathe her, only Mami can read her a night time story or only Mami can put her down, you will wish you could go back and lose the grip on the reins.

I am definitely going to take my own advice for this next rodeo ;-)